बॉस और कर्मचारी....

BOSS :-अगर मेरे हवाई जहाज़ में 50 ईंटे हो और मैं एक नीचे फ़ेंक दूं तो कितने बचेंगे ?
Employee :- 49
BOSS :-तीन वाक्य में बताओ कि हाथी को फ्रीज़ में कैसे रखा जाये ?
Employee :- (1) फ्रीज़ खोलिए, (2 ) हाथी को उसमे रखिये और (3) फ्रीज़ बंद कर दीजिये !
BOSS :-अब 4 वाक्य में बताओ कि हिरन को फ्रीज़ में कैसे रखा जाये ?
Employee :- (1) फ्रीज़ खोलिए (2 ) हाथी को बाहर निकालिए (3 ) हिरन को अन्दर रखिये और फिर फ्रीज़ बंद कर दीजिये !

BOSS :-आज जंगल में शेर का जन्मदिन मनाया जा रहा है,
वहां एक को छोड़ कर सब जानवर मौजूद है, बताओ कौन गैरमौजूद है ?
Employee :- हिरन, क्योंकि वो फ्रीज़ में बंद है !

How to put the right person in the right chair?

Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right chair? If yes, try this simple experiment. 


Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation: 


If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT. 


If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING. 


If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING. 


If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS. 


If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY. 


If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY. 


If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT. 


If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.


If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY. 


If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES. 


If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING. 


If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE EXPORT. 


AND last but not least.......... 


If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT

Printer Problem!

Last week I was with one of my summer interns in the lobby when a receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working. 


The intern horsed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer. She started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but I told her we didn't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. 


So She grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before she finished the note. 


About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. This is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to... 

Commonly Used Phrases at the Office and what they really mean!

1. For your information, please. (FYI) 
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it. 

2. Noted and returned. 
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while. 


3. Review and comment. 
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it. 

4. Action please. 
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit. 


5. For your necessary action. 
Meaning: It's your headache now. 


6. Copy to. 
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache. 


7. For your approval, please. 
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please. 


8. Action is being taken. 
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it. 


9. Your letter is receiving our attention. 
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want. 


10. Please discuss. 
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me. 


11. For your immediate action. 
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble. 


12. Please reply soon. 
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient. 


13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities. 
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us. 


14. Regards. 
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. 


A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused. 
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job. 
Active socially: Drinks heavily. 
Alert to company developments: An office gossip. 
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job. 
Average: Not too bright. 
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise. 
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law. 
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own. 
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. 
Conscientious and careful: Scared. 
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless. 
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass. 
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well. 
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice. 
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated. 
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear. 
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well. 
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive. 
Enjoys job: Needs more to do. 
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone. 
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee. 
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date. 
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together. 
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward. 
Happy: Paid too much. 
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way. 
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary 
confinement. 
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot. 
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors. 
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. 
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. 
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. 
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else. 
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky. 
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes. 
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. 
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer. 
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own. 
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time. 
Maintains professional attitude: A snob. 
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker. 
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions. 
Not a desk person: Did not go to college. 
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time. 
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. 
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors. 
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed. 
Should go far: Please. 
Slightly below average: Stupid. 
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life. 
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk. 
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive. 
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn. 
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut. 
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. 
Takes pride in work: Conceited. 
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement. 
Uses resources well: Delegates everything. 
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher. 
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. 
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week. 
Well organized: Does too much busywork. 
Will go far: Relative of management. 
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money. 
Zealous attitude: Opinionated. 

Babies delivery and Corporate World

1:- Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.


2:- Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.


3:- Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.


4:- Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.


5:- Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6:- Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.


7:- Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.


8:- Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.


And lastly... ...


9:- Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.